Falling apart never feels right

It never feels good
It never feels ok

And it hurts
it breaks me up inside
and yet
it brings with it the clarity that only revelations of rock bottom reveal.

Shows me who I really am
not what I have been trying to be

it shows that those who we thought were most troubled, are sometimes those with the most dignity

those that seem to have it together, and never mess up
have it all wrong
fall apart more desperately than most

and crumble into a million pieces
and if anyone cared
they would see a scared little girl

hungering for love
desperate for the most intimate of feelings
trust

and yet totally untrustworthy
broken and ruined

this is what love does to us
it builds us up
and tears us down,

tears a strong woman down into a little girl

a little girl who just wants to run away

away from this life of pain
of unending responsibility
of unrelenting tragedy that befalls my tender heart.

Isn't it funny

When I turn myself off , close myself out, that's when you start trying?

It's a shame that you didn't start trying until it was too late.

Years of neglect, hurt and constant compromise on my part, did you really think I would be able to sustain any sort of love or affection for you after this many years? Funny how the erosion of love comes so quietly and yet ends so abruptly, it's gone, vanished with constant tides of pain.

Didn't you think I would eventually have enough?

I guess you thought I was needy,

I guess you thought I was desperate,

I guess that is why you laughed in my face when I told you I was leaving, you said where the hell would you go?

It's a shame that you will find out what you are missing after it's too late.

It's always this way isn't it.

Men are always looking for something else,

Constantly eyeing other opportunities,

Wondering what they can get away with, and really, will we ever know what you really get away with? No, your lies and omissions will go with you to the grave, and now so shall mine.

You will wake up one day soon and realize that your selfishness has turned this vibrant, peaceful, woman into an empty soul, you have taken everything good from me and destroyed it.

But there is hope, the end is not here yet,

Perhaps I will find what I have always wanted,

Perhaps freedom will bring life into my empty soul again,

one can only hope.

The aftermath

When you realize the truth,
when you realize there hasn't been real love for a long time
when you realize all of the sudden you need to go through the motions until you cant get out
It seems like a lifetime
I feel so numb
Like  there is nothing that matters anymore
nothing
and yet there are people counting on me
So I must push through, put a smile on my face
even though I am dead inside
like my entire heart has been set of fire, slowly burned, and the ashes remaining

you can't fix something that has burned and ashed
you can't put a crushed stone back together
when you have been crushed, there really isn't another option

I don't want to breathe anymore
I don't want to speak
I don't want to cry

and yet I have to pretend
everything is fine

the biggest lie
I have ever told
the hardest thing, I have ever done

Why did I let things go on for so long?

I was desperate.
desperate to make my life work, desperate to take the remnants of our life and keep them together for those counting on me

I shouldn't have bothered,
it would have saved me a world of hurt

and perhaps my heart would not be beyond repair,
no room to love anyone anymore

silence
i need silence
i need quiet and tranquility,
and at the same time I fear these things tremendously,
in the peace,
in the quiet,
it's when reality hits like a ton of bricks,

I fight to breathe,
I fight not to throw it all away

and yet what is  there to throw away....
when there is nothing left but ash.

Playing that game

Men will  use you, and then walk way
They get their fill and then move on to the next one waiting in line

I'm so tired of playing that game

This isn't happening

I'm not here.....

If nobody ever reads this....does it mean it never happened....

Drunk off loneliness....

Numbed by a pill...

Temporarily removing all my cares....

All my pains... but I can't run

I can't run from here

I'm not here

This isn't happening.

Go away heart, sink deeply into pit of darkness where it belongs. I can no longer accept this hurt anymore.

__________________________________________________________

Wake... from your sleep
The drying of your tears
Today we escape, we escape
-exit music (for a film)

It's the little things

That do the most damage.

The constant lack of validation and compliment, or need

The lack of touch, appreciation, the lack of any emotional connection

Like a void in my soul.

The darkness takes over after a while, washing away any residue of goodness that once prevailed.

Sadness embraces me ,

Resentment,

Mindless in the acts

that destroy me slowly,

My soul is gone, my heart has been broken so many times I now embrace the careless stupidity that removes all need for love.

Why love when you know it won't last

Why bother trying when you can't trust the ending

So the reality sets in that everything has an end,

I will sleep medicated and void of dreams

dreams that could crush

souls in  it's wake

Devil come quickly and take me away

I am not meant to be here any longer.

Sometimes

You cry out for help and nobody listens...

and then you walk along the path you never would have taken...

Awakening

An awakening, uninvited, and yet so enticing. Sometimes those who hurt us think we are incapable of reciprocating, they think we are weak, scared, they would be wrong. 

Moments come fast, opportunities seldom.

When a moment strikes and opportunity invites. 

Why not.

Wronged we have been, hurt we always will be. Why play the saint when inside the devilish wiles of unanticipated bliss beckon?