The aftermath

When you realize the truth,
when you realize there hasn't been real love for a long time
when you realize all of the sudden you need to go through the motions until you cant get out
It seems like a lifetime
I feel so numb
Like  there is nothing that matters anymore
nothing
and yet there are people counting on me
So I must push through, put a smile on my face
even though I am dead inside
like my entire heart has been set of fire, slowly burned, and the ashes remaining

you can't fix something that has burned and ashed
you can't put a crushed stone back together
when you have been crushed, there really isn't another option

I don't want to breathe anymore
I don't want to speak
I don't want to cry

and yet I have to pretend
everything is fine

the biggest lie
I have ever told
the hardest thing, I have ever done

Why did I let things go on for so long?

I was desperate.
desperate to make my life work, desperate to take the remnants of our life and keep them together for those counting on me

I shouldn't have bothered,
it would have saved me a world of hurt

and perhaps my heart would not be beyond repair,
no room to love anyone anymore

silence
i need silence
i need quiet and tranquility,
and at the same time I fear these things tremendously,
in the peace,
in the quiet,
it's when reality hits like a ton of bricks,

I fight to breathe,
I fight not to throw it all away

and yet what is  there to throw away....
when there is nothing left but ash.